I'm sitting in a small cafe in the (rare-these-days) sunshine in the hip and trendy neighborhood of Kreuzberg. I'm relishing this delicious moment. I am warm and happy. My belly is full and I'm sipping a fresh beet, ginger, and apple juice. Two hours ago I dropped off my children for their first day of school in Berlin. Two hours prior to that I woke them up (already fulling dressed the night before anticipating a hard morning). They are two children- very different but nearly equally intense in the most opposite way possible. We know we are parenting children that are not typical. And yes, any parent will say this about their children. I don't say it lightly.
I'm not trying to convince you that parenting my children is harder than parenting yours. People all over this planet struggle with their children. It is not a competition. There is no prize in one person's struggle being heavier than another's. I am aware and processing my own is all.
Somehow and someway, our two beautiful children landed in our lives. I am grateful beyond measure. They are passionate and interesting. They are intelligent and imaginative. They are lovely.
This move has forced us all to explore aspects of our own lives that we wouldn't have otherwise. Or at least we weren't going to for awhile if ever. So all of our dirt is rising to the surface and clashing with one another.
There is no doubt there is beauty all around us. Simply open your eyes and walk a block and something new and fascinating is right there. One of my better qualities is finding beauty in the every day. I'm not sure if I've always had that or if I developed that over time. One of my lesser qualities is patience with chaos. I need systems to be happy. But systems are all over the place in our temporary rental in a country we are still navigating. It's often dirty and messy with four people and a dog. Trying to manage a family and feed them and keep them clean has made me grumpy and a bit bark-y. I don't like that. I need to fine tune my own temperament.
My children have old stuff that has been re-triggered with this move. My son was adopted. In and of itself that is trauma. My daughter came in to this world via a traumatic birth. Her wiring is very similar to her parents. All of us have anxiety, but none of our anxieties emerge in the same way.
We have been in Berlin for two months. The kids just started school this morning. They woke up so upset. Tears from one. Rage from another. I'm 100% positive that all the neighbors heard them leave the building this morning. That. Loud.
One child thinks something detrimental will happen to me before 3 p.m. and I will not be at the school to pick them up.
One child stepped on my toes and pinched me and stuck out his tongue all the way to school this morning.
By the time I dropped them off at 8 a.m. I was exhausted. I called my husband and cried. He reminded me that the sun was shining and suggested I go to Viktora Park to see the waterfall. It was as good an idea as any. I took a couple of trains. Walked and walked. Found the park. Where the waterfall should have water, there was only rock. No water. Ha! It truly made me laugh. It felt oddly symbolic of my day. Beauty is right there. Rugged. Dirty. Stressed. Soon water will be coming down the rock and people will be sunbathing on the green grass. Today there were birds and green and sun and beauty and no water.
Today we need water, but it is not there. It will come. I have faith that it will be there. I have to choose to believe. And in the meantime, I will seek the beauty, even when it is incomplete.
I'm not trying to convince you that parenting my children is harder than parenting yours. People all over this planet struggle with their children. It is not a competition. There is no prize in one person's struggle being heavier than another's. I am aware and processing my own is all.
Somehow and someway, our two beautiful children landed in our lives. I am grateful beyond measure. They are passionate and interesting. They are intelligent and imaginative. They are lovely.
This move has forced us all to explore aspects of our own lives that we wouldn't have otherwise. Or at least we weren't going to for awhile if ever. So all of our dirt is rising to the surface and clashing with one another.
There is no doubt there is beauty all around us. Simply open your eyes and walk a block and something new and fascinating is right there. One of my better qualities is finding beauty in the every day. I'm not sure if I've always had that or if I developed that over time. One of my lesser qualities is patience with chaos. I need systems to be happy. But systems are all over the place in our temporary rental in a country we are still navigating. It's often dirty and messy with four people and a dog. Trying to manage a family and feed them and keep them clean has made me grumpy and a bit bark-y. I don't like that. I need to fine tune my own temperament.
My children have old stuff that has been re-triggered with this move. My son was adopted. In and of itself that is trauma. My daughter came in to this world via a traumatic birth. Her wiring is very similar to her parents. All of us have anxiety, but none of our anxieties emerge in the same way.
We have been in Berlin for two months. The kids just started school this morning. They woke up so upset. Tears from one. Rage from another. I'm 100% positive that all the neighbors heard them leave the building this morning. That. Loud.
One child thinks something detrimental will happen to me before 3 p.m. and I will not be at the school to pick them up.
One child stepped on my toes and pinched me and stuck out his tongue all the way to school this morning.
By the time I dropped them off at 8 a.m. I was exhausted. I called my husband and cried. He reminded me that the sun was shining and suggested I go to Viktora Park to see the waterfall. It was as good an idea as any. I took a couple of trains. Walked and walked. Found the park. Where the waterfall should have water, there was only rock. No water. Ha! It truly made me laugh. It felt oddly symbolic of my day. Beauty is right there. Rugged. Dirty. Stressed. Soon water will be coming down the rock and people will be sunbathing on the green grass. Today there were birds and green and sun and beauty and no water.
Today we need water, but it is not there. It will come. I have faith that it will be there. I have to choose to believe. And in the meantime, I will seek the beauty, even when it is incomplete.
